Day 1

Slumber

Sleep, fueled by the night before's alcohol consumption, was as fickle as it was sweet.

I went to bed earlier than expected, a little before midnight.  And woke up multiple times throughout the night.  At least while asleep, though, my thoughts would not turn to her.

Or so I thought.

I remember one dream.  I was in a hospital room, and immediately realized whose - her son's, after he had his appendix removed.  Neither he nor her were there, at least at first.  I started cleaning up the room, putting away toys and medical equipment that was scattered around; then I heard them approach.
He came into the room first, and brightened when he saw me.  She was next - and did not have the same reaction.
She seemed annoyed that I was there - sadly, a look I'd seen from her so many times in the weeks leading up to our breakup.

I was glad to wake from that sleep, but could not rise from my bed.  The weight of our relationship ending - and the realization that this is going to haunt and hurt me for awhile - kept me glued to my bed for hours after waking.

I could feel my heart beating heavy in my chest, a reminder both that life steadily marches forward and that I was nowhere near over everything that happened.

Forcing myself NOT to call or text her, but unable to stop myself from thinking of her, I sleep-walked through the day.

Day 0

Via Text

It started simple enough - she apologized, again, for flaking on me the night before.  Things quickly escalated.  The details are unimportant, at this point.  The result is what really matters - and that result was her saying she felt like we were more of friends than boyfriend/girlfriend, and that we should take a break from our relationship.

All via text message.



I felt weightless, not sure how to feel.  On the one hand, I was crushed.  I loved - nay, still love - this woman.  On the other hand, there was suddenly a freedom I didn't know I missed.  I could now do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, with whomever I wanted.

So I did.

After enduring the rest of my shift at work (yes, this all happened at work - and I had to to finish out the last 4 hours of my day as if nothing had happened), I immediately made my way to BevMo, and spent a ridiculous amount of money on alcohol, including a $70 bottle of 18-year old scotch.  With my haul, I went home - where I was greeted by friends who gave me words of advise and encouragement - and even more alcohol.

I was too busy with friends, with drinking, with talking, to feel anything - and that was exactly what I wanted.  Not a numbness, not a vagueness... but instead, to feel nothing at all, not even the absence of feeling.


And so I slept, and the zero day was at an end.